By Chrys Fernandez
Dear lover, friend, someone I knew, and an unfinished poem,
I remember the feeling of being miserable in our relationship
probably masked by the fact that neither of us wanted to be alone.
And still, even in a new relationship and 5 hours between us, I feel even lonelier.
Our “ love” was just a metaphor for how sad we were,
trying to fill the gaps of a life we didn’t want with other people who so happen to have given us the slightest of attention.
I don’t regret the laughs but I regret who I had them with.
Months after the breakup I wonder what went wrong,
who was in the wrong,
and why we couldn’t be right for each other.
I’m unhappy with how things ended, don’t get me wrong.
I cared for you,
or the idea of you.
Sometimes I rationalize texting you and hoping we could mend what we had,
but what we had was a blanket too small for the both us,
fighting for warmth and love,
something neither of us were willing to give
I mean how could we,
we had little love for ourselves how could we have given it to each other.
I wrote you a poem once saying “you were a poem I never wanted to end”.
I realize now that all the words and syllables this world has to give me could never have ended the loneliness I felt throughout our relationship.
With the poem never ending I never had to deal with you leaving me,
that you somehow represented all the people who had abandoned me in my life,
and that if I could by some miracle keep the thought of you,
keep the poem of you
it might’ve lessen the pain of being by myself.
And even without a new relationship and 5 hours between us, I don’t think that we could have ever been close enough for me to feel secure in a home I knew I could never find in you